Yes, it’s a bad parody =D And there are chunks I couldn’t think how to redo.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ‘115.
Upgrade your clone.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, good clones would be it.
The long-term benefits of clone upgrades have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…
I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the speed and agility of your frigates; oh never mind; you will not understand the speed and agility of your frigates until you get pointed.
But trust me, in 2 years you’ll look back at your kill reports and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fun they really could be…
You’re not as bad as you imagine.
Don’t worry about your skill plan; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to jump a carrier through a gate.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind.
The kind that a dev implements in a dev blog you didn’t read.
Do one thing everyday that scares you.
Don’t be reckless with other people’s ships, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Don’t waste your time on revenge;
Sometimes you’re ahead,
Sometimes You’re behind.
The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults;
If you fail in this, put a bounty on them.
Keep your old kill mails, throw away your old loss mails.
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your Life.
The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of ammo.
Be kind to your structure, you’ll miss it when it’s gone.
Maybe you’ll mine, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll station trade, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll fly a titan, maybe you’ll hit jump instead of bridge.
Whatever you do, don’t Congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either.
Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your ship, Use it every way you can… Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people Think of it,
It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own…
Dance… even if you only dance in triangles.
Do the tutorials, even if you don’t remember them.
Do NOT read battle clinic, it will only make you get podded.
Get to know your CEO, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your corp mates;
They are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were a newb.
Live in Null Sec once, but leave before it makes you hard;
Live in high Sec once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, theCSM will lie, you too will get bitter, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, the CSM did what they were told and newbs respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to trust you.
Maybe you have a tech moon, Maybe you have a some plex; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your clone, or when you post on the forums, you’ll look dumb.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
But trust me on the clone thing…